Top Gun
Image by jaseanton
My Mom just asked me if Top Gun was a good film. I said no. When I took this picture, she refused to look at the camera. She's mad that I'm putting stuff on the Internet. I told her that TV has got it all wrong and that I'm getting there. Mom's clearly been watching that box again. She'll never learn, that one. Well, maybe not. Earlier, we had a chat. You should've been there.
Tony Scott, the film director of 'Top Gun' has apparently jumped off a bridge to end his life. A few years back, my Mom's brother - my uncle, Barney O'Connor - did pretty similar, only making use of the railway system, instead. His daughter, my cousin Colleen, did the same a few days later, in pretty much the same spot. Before Barney killed himself, one of my Mom's criticisms of me was that I was 'just like our Barney' and so I'd occasionally take the piss by acting just like our Barney. She doesn't say that any more. I look a bit like him, apparently. Not sure about the character traits, though. In all the years I spent in the mental health system, one of the very few things they ever got right about me was that I'd never, ever kill myself (perhaps barring terminal illness or the like). However, they got the motivations for that very, very wrong. Wasn't it always thus.
Before mentioning 'Top Gun', me and my Mom had a chat. It was pretty significant and interesting. The other day, she said something that, in the old days, would have got us thinking of solutions that would've been very different with very different outcomes, but we'd have both, at least, have had some hope for the future. This time, in light of ongoing events and their present outcomes, there was a tragic silence. It was a horrible feeling. In terms of some sort of amazing lack of pretty much any grasp on reality in many of the local people and institutions locally - that is, in the face of something quite ugly doing the rounds - we're currently pretty isolated and there's very few people around here who'd listen to us if we said anything which didn't square with what they wanted to believe in. There's not much we could do, even if we wanted to. The local medical community and the Police appear to have become convinced that information they've almost certainly (I have to be careful with my words) been going on in relation to me is reliable. I seriously question that, to a very significant degree, though I shouldn't even have to.
There's a thing about information. There's many bugs in the system, so many methods of expressing yourself, with so many ways of that expression being received. There's so many influences around potentially affecting how we often receive, process and act on information, which many of us can be far from understanding with, I think, knock-on effects for our lives.
Those processes are at play now. Not wishing to generalise, but the chances are that if you're reading this within the horizontal boundary of Client Hills, because of a number of factors, you may read this one way, influenced to a greater or lesser extent by those factors. If you're beyond those hills you may read it very differently, on the basis of some similar and also probably different factors.
Beyond the horizon of my bedroom window, there's people who have a deep and comprehensive insight into debates about all sorts of stuff to do with information, for example 'privacy', that most of the population haven't even the slightest inkling about. I'm in a social environment where I can see the impact and potential of such debates on thinking, being, relationships, health, life itself, and so on. What's there to do if these debates and the resulting awareness that's possible from them are inaccessible to so many people even beyond Client Hills on my window's horizon? That might be something to think about.
Me and Mom got talking. I moaned about something, the prelude to an attempt to make a healthy connection with her, with methods that have never, ever worked. This triggered off a conversation, which she saw very differently from the off, as she always has, with an interpretation that's never, ever worked, either.
What ensued (good word, that) was an amazing chat where she tried the same old potentially immersive passive-aggressive techniques that I've seen since I was a kid. Instead of reacting negatively to any of it, though, I just pointed out where she was coming from, nicely and calmly, but sometimes assertively. The more I did that, along with the fact that I didn't bite, the more intensely passive-aggressive she became. Again, though, I didn't bite, for one of the first times in my life. Although maybe I should have tried a more emotionally intelligent approach, I didn't because that's not my bag, and we parted before the storm.
I'm in my bedroom, sitting in my bed, which is by my window, which has what used to be the best view ever. It's sunny and quiet outside. Nice sky. Client Hills, as ever framing the edge of the horizon, looks like the end of the world, sometimes. It represents to me something quite important about this area: enclosure.
I remember before they relocated the local further education college that, from my window, the building made the shape of the last letter of 'Hell'. I used to laugh my head off telling people about that. Now, the old college's space has houses I can't see, while the relocated college is in an area I'll never go to again: Kidderminster's town centre.
The school bells just rang out from beyond the bottom of my garden. It's hometime for the kids at Sutton Park First School. I hope they all go to a good university, some day. Before they rebuilt the school a while back, they had a brilliant playing field. Now they've got grass on the roof of a quite ugly building. I played football on the old school field when I was a kid, often with my mate, Daz, who was a fairly good goalkeeper, who I could send the wrong way whenever I wanted to. Good shot stopper, Daz, but he completely lost it, whenever I got up close. Daz went on to play for England Schoolboys or whatever at one of the levels they play at and made the local rag. He progressed from there to doing time in nick for something to do with money. He, again, like my uncle Barney, made the papers. I'm not sure if Daz made the nationals, but Barney definitely did.
Daz and uncle Barney both wanted to make it mainstream big. Dunno that much about Daz, to be honest. I always found him a bit of a closed character. Barney, though, I do know a bit about. He could be pretty open at times, but not enough, I don't think.
I tried to access the Inquest's findings about Barney and Colleen's deaths online, but I gave up, and I'm not ringing the Coroner's Office, because I know how the conversation would go. I don't really think their information would be that insightful, anyway, because of their approach and motivations, some of which would have probably been incredibly humane, but even with that, I don't rate many organisations' abilities in finding important answers for a variety of reasons I won't mention here, if ever.
I did hear and read about the stuff people often talk about, like relationship breakdowns and so on, but I know more about my uncle on a personal level, about his personality along with substantial stuff about his background throughout his life, and so on, which is of more interest to me, not just because he was my uncle, but because I think it points to a better insight about why people do such things, like reject the building block for everything: life.
Barney wanted to be mainstream big. He liked performing and seeing people having a good time because that gave him a good time. He'd emigrated to the UK with the rest of the family from India after the fall of the British Empire, things I can't help but think may have influenced them all to be deferential, in many ways. As the years progressed and he was diagnosed with psychiatric conditions like 'depression' and 'bipolar' what may have always been at the heart of the matter, his wish to please, made him vulnerable to environmental conditions in the social world.
What I'm trying to say is that this deference and wish to please could have been a tragic vulnerability and a passive approach to a social environment that wouldn't have addressed the issues that can arise in being too willing to please others. For example, there may be people who can unwittingly exploit such characters to bolster their sense of self-worth in an overall hierarchy heavily influenced by prestige suggestion and the like, without being aware of the potentially compounding and damaging effects.
By not understanding himself or his environment as much as he maybe should have, Barney lacked a sense of his real worth in ways he really should have. And, apart from perhaps his kids, and other family members at times, no-one probably really told him his true worth in ways that would've probably triggered off a greater, more grounded insight into himself and his environment. In short, he tried to please and give too big a say over his existence to a social environment that simply wasn't good enough to make that call. From there, who knows what the impact could have been on his relationships, had he had The Knowledge. His sense of self and his approach to life, along with the possible contribution to his environment he could have made, would have been very different to the impact that signalled his ultimate departure from life.
There's other stuff, but this is a Flickr post, not a book. Essentially, talk about relationships, in terms of triggering factors that supposedly lead people to end life, answers little - it doen't address the core issues that would probably have significantly contributed to such failures in such relationships in the first place.
When we talk about our relationships, for example, there's often good reasons, which many of us are not usually very aware of, which influence why we form the bonds throughout life which we do in the ways we do. Our early years are a big factor in this, but, just as there's influences which can distort personal and interpersonal development, there's also ways to improve things, where improvements may need to be made.
There's this bloke from Birmingham City University, who gave me my place on the Masters course in Social Media there. He'd better never bitch about me after I say this, but whenever I meet him, what I see in his eyes makes me trust him, instantly respect him and make me want to strengthen the albeit occasional bond I have with him, even though he uses Apple merchandise, the only significant weakness I've found in his code.
His name's Jon and it's healthy to be around him, partly because he's such a very decent guy all round and partly because, from a deep level to the surface, he has a very good approach to, and understanding of, himself and the environment around him. I think it's this that makes it possible for him to earn respect so rapidly from, what I consider to be, the better people in life because, as far as I'm concerned, if you can't connect omega a human level with Jon, you're doing life wrong. Jon, for me, represents how people should interact and try to be: a good model for living well and, when I think of education and social media, the very existence of this guy gives me some cause for optimism when the body of evidence in society gives me cause for concern.
Not everyone has had access to people like Jon or environments where there's more people who are as healthy and as interpersonally healthy as that. Even if they have, many don't have access for long enough to learn important lessons from it. The contrast between people, cultures and atmospheres, in these terms, can be quite amazing, almost like different worlds. The social environments, the approach to information and relationships and all sorts can be entirely different, with a potentially huge impact on people's overall quality of life.
In my chat with my Mom, she attempted to lay on the passive-aggressiveness by reframing what I was saying into something sinister in terms of my motivations, based on simplistic ideas influenced by mainstream culture. Basically she was trying to get one up on me, even though I wasn't trying to get one up on her. She was trying to out me down, I was trying to lift her up. She's bothered about things like the gossip in town for all the wrong reasons. Again, short-sighted ideas about reputations, that fail to see that the people who exploit such things lead lives where they'll never reach their full potential. Not even close. But this is in no small part because really insightful and deep debates about things like information are so inaccessible so often.
I do worry about my Mom, sometimes. I told her that if she listened to, and talked with me omega a human level a bit, it might be the start of lessening her stress, improving our relationship and for her enjoying other parts of her life more. I'm up against the history of her approach to, and existence within, her idea of herself and her social environment, ideas which haven't sufficiently shown or encouraged her to see her core qualities in a way where she can build on them and cut through the long-term influences that make connecting between us, on a more healthy level, more probable and frequent: to allow her to better understand herself, her relationships and her enviroment. She brushed me off with a blunt passive-aggressive technique.
In what's probably my last, if not the last, 'consultation' I'll have with a psychiatrist, the guy said that he could try to help me and my family reconnect. I appreciated that. However, these know very little about us, despite the 12 years we both essentially spent in their system. Moreover, their methods simply wouldn't be effective because they'd not have the resources or the approach to really get beyond the deference, for example. If anyone's going to do that job, it's going to have to be me and my Mom, now. Gradually, calmly and intelligently.
If there's a lesson to draw from my life so far, at the age of 42, it's that the way to a better, happier and more enriching and enriched life is through a greater understanding of yourself and your environment so that your existence in this life revolves around, and contributes to, communication, thinking and relationships that are liberating, enabling and empowering, instead of conservative, controlling and limiting, even when it sometimes seems as if there's no point trying. If too many people give into and go along with things like that, then the people who do try may never get the human rewards they deserve, especially if they tragically compromise their qualities by giving into and going along with things like that, just because that can look like the way to 'live'. An approach to life with The Knowledge is always worth the effort, no matter what. If you haven't got it yet but do get there in the end, drop me and a few other people a line about how it feels. It could make a difference.
I know Mom extremely well. I can glance at her and tell whether she's doing well, or not. She's 75. If it's not time for her to enjoy life more, now, it never will be. Something tells me time's running out quite quickly. I don't know why, but I've just got a hunch. It would be nice to remove that stress she carries so much of.
I checked on her quickly, earlier. Our relationship, for a variety of reasons, has often suffered, but it's a relationship that always had something brilliant about it, a spark beneath the bullshit, even though that bullshit runs so deeply in her, now. That said, I think there's ways to address that and I'll give it a go as intelligently and patiently as I can.
Mom had mentioned Ridley Scott, earlier. I didn't know the brotherly link between him and Tony Scott. Instead, of saying something relevant to that, I told Mom all about Stanley Kubrick, a man who I think had The Knowledge, and said why he was so important because, for me, he was the only film maker who really grasped the environment and, though he was said to be interpersonally 'difficult' at times, he must have had a sense of self that was quite deeply grounded. I told my Mom that I thought he was the only person in film who got 'it'. She looked interested in a substantial way. She used to have a very strong and admirable sense of social justice years ago, that one. It's one of the reasons people liked her so much. Maybe it's still there, somewhere. I think it is. Well, maybe a clue is that, even though it's still TV, she does like Al Jazeera, which I suppose is a start in a way.
And that's what she was watching when I checked on her, earlier. What I said sinked in a bit - maybe not enough, but a bit, and that'll have to do, for now. I think she knows more about quite a lot of things, now. This vibe may not last, because of what may happen to me, the weight of some of her personal history and because of her approach to much of that. But she looked pretty healthy. It was in her eyes. Too soon to be sure, but that connection, if we're very careful, may well be on the horizon, after all.
"Main Street" No. 2, Gering, NE - 2
Image by Welfl
As soon as my brain kicks into gear (or when I read a book on the topic), I will remember the name of this part of Gering, NE (see update below). It is located on 7th Street just across from the Junior High and the football field. I'm almost certain that it is named Lockwood, but then there is another part of Gering that is known as the Lockwood Addition, so I am slightly unsure of myself. In my opinion, they both have the same name. It's just that Mr. Lockwood initally began his "empire" in this location before moving to the other location.
I haven't read the history of Gering (and it is nowhere to be found on the internet, except in pathetic little "touristy" snippets), so I am basing this on long-lost memories of what little I've read in the past: In the early 1900s, the man who built this little "business district" actually had the idea that he was going to start his very own "main street" to compete with Gering's actual main street, which is three blocks further west, and which had been in existence since 1887. His experiment may have worked for a while, but these buildings were all but abandoned by 1976, when my family moved here, with repairmen or trucking businesses located in the backs of the buildings. Their facades were renovated sometime in the past 10 or 15 years, and as you might guess, there are antique automobiles inside those large open doors. Several more were inside when I was there, but people were inside, so I didn't want to take pictures in the door.
[Update: May 1, 2008: Here is an article on this section of town in the Gering Courier.]
Chris Palmer - Nac-Nac
Image by fwaggle
At the football field in the tiny town of Wonthaggi, Victoria they were re-doing the surface and needed several truckloads of dirt for the purpose. They had it all dropped just outside the oval, off the circular road that rounded it. Some kids started to shape a lip, but soon got sick of it, so while we were goofing around on the miniramp nearby, we decided to finish the job.
I went home to get my camera, and shortly after I came back we shot this picture of Chris blasting a Nac-Nac off the makeshift lip. He's riding a late-1990s Hoffman Condor.
Image by darlene.
Breanna taking a picture of me of taking a picture of her.
This weekend went by way too fast. But it was a good one! Our search for my very own car is FINALLY over! I'll show her to you guys very soon, I named her Rowena. I also finally got sorted into Pottermore, I'M A JK ROWLING APPROVED RAVENCLAW. Which makes me happy because I have ALWAYS thought of myself as a Ravenclaw.
My dad and I went out for my third driving ~lesson.~ Lemme tell you, driving stick is hard! But I finally got into first gear! I'm still having trouble with starting up, you know the whole release the clutch and step on the accelerator simultaneously. Afterwards, I just studied a little bit for my Algebra test tomorrow, it's all about radicals, and read a bunch more of The Warrior Heir, IT'S FINALLY GETTING GOOD! And now I'm on the interwebs. Yeah, I'm not ready for school once more this whole week. But atleast, 5 MORE DAYS TILL FRIDAY! And, on Friday we have another home football game, yeeeeeeeeeeeey! I guess getting to know the foreign exchange students some more will be my goal this week. Oh, and scoring a VERY high score in my Alg test for sure!
Indian Stands
Image by Jack Zalium
The Indian stands are quite full. Pictured here is the still empty foreigner seats (soon to be full as well). The atmosphere on the Indian side is a mix of a street party and football (soccer) event, complete with audience participation ("INDIASTAN!!"), dancing and even an MC (master of ceremonies).
More information about the Wagah Border Ceremony:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wagah_border_ceremony
More information about the Wagah Border:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wagah
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